Monday, September 7, 2009

Beatles’ Break-Up: Barack Blames Bush

Partial Leak of Transcript of Obama’s Controversial 9/09/09 Primetime Presidential The BeatlesTM: Rock BandTM Speech Confirms Glen Beck’s Accusations

The White House Press Secretary dismissed as inane the uproar over President Barack Obama’s plan to deliver a primetime speech to the nation to kick-off the official release of The BeatlesTM: Rock BandTM, the much anticipated cross-generational video game

“I think we’ve reached a little bit of the silly season when the president of the United States can’t tell kids in America to play hard and appreciate the roots of Rock ‘n’ Roll,” spokesman Robert Gibbs told no one in particular. “I think both political parties agree that the break-up of the Beatles is something that continues to threaten our long-term economic success. The British band continues to rank among the best selling musicians of all time, despite not having released a new single in nearly two generations. Think of all the jobs the President would continue to save if the Beatles begin producing new music.”

Obama’s planned address to a joint session of Congress has its sights on rock fans and video gamers – traditionally young people who have yet to reach voting age but who remain surprisingly susceptible to velvety voiced mulattos of unverifiable citizenship. The unprecedented intrusion into an usually innocuous form of entertainment has prompted a push-back from some quarters that, until today, remained unreported by most reliable forms of mainstream media.

Conservative critics, led by media personality Glen Beck and divorcee Sir Paul McCartney, say Obama is trying to promote a political agenda and overstepping his bounds, taking the federal government too far into an industry long used to attacking the very establishment now trying to hitch its fast-falling star to the Fab Four.

Republican Gov. Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota, a potential presidential petitioner in 2012, said Obama’s speech is “uninvited.” He further suggested the president’s move raises questions of content and motive. Former Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin added in her Facebook page: “The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s ‘Five-Star Panel’ so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their ‘ability to earn Star Power and level of melodic – and harmonic should they have multiple microphones – accuracy,’ whether they are worthy of opening locked songs or moving to the next venue. Such a system is downright evil. I mean, how long does Obama expect to keep the heart of America in the Cavern?”

Many video game shops have decided not to show Obama’s speech, to be delivered at 9pm EDT Wednesday, partly in response to concerns from fans of “So You Think You Can Dance” and “America’s Got Talent.”

Yoko Ono, artist, musician and peace activist, defended Obama’s plan to address the newest Beatles fans:

“The bottom line is we need the President of the United States of America to use his bully pulpit to talk to kids about the importance of the Beatles to help inspire kids, the unemployed and those who would be unemployed today if not for the stimulus package passed earlier this year by Congress and signed into law by Barack Obama,” she said on The Joey Reynolds Show on radio station WOR NewsTalk Radio 710 in New York.

Gibbs said former Republican presidents Ronald Reagan, who loved Donkey Kong (the Gipper called it “Bonzo Kong”) and George H.W. Bush (who was partial to “Super Mario Land”) delivered similar speeches to Congress, although they coded they’re speeches. (Historians now cite Reagan’s “across the board” and Bush I’s “read my lips” as cipher language for their respective games.) Gibbs added Obama’s speech will not be partisan but rather a chance for children to get “a little help from their friend, the President.”

The White House spokesman refused to speculate as to the motivations of some electronics merchants.

“Look, there are some shopkeepers that won’t let you play Space Invaders,” Gibbs said.

Gibbs admitted the administration understands some operators have logistical concerns with the timing of Obama’s speech as many stores on the east coast close by 9pm. The White House had plans to release the speech online Thursday so those who had homework could read it, but the leak has spun its own donnybrook.

President Barack Obama’s controversial decision to offer all Americans – and especially the young – a primetime speech to mark the release date of the much anticipated new video game The BeatlesTM: Rock BandTM took a new twist this morning when portions of the transcript were found on the desk of the late Robert Novak. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs initially denied the authenticity of the revealed text, but after Glen Beck played a grainy YouTube video on his radio show, issued the following statement during the 11:30am press briefing:

“I admit I don’t have clarity on how it was done, but the texts I have seen seem consistent with how the President has always felt on the issue.”

A clearly smug, if not still paranoid Beck, said he would gladly accept back any of the sponsors who followed ACORN’s advice and boycotted his program – at twice the usual ad rate.

Here is an abridged version of Obama’s Speech to the Joint Session of Congress upon the release date of The BeatlesTM: Rock BandTM: (If you need help reading this, I’ll hold your hand. No, please, I insist, let me hold your hand. Really! Yes! OK! I wanna hold your hand!)

They say, we’re in a Great Recession

You know it wasn’t me

When I, get a question

I’m gonna just blame Bush!

I’m gonna just blame Bush.

I’m gonna just blame Bush!

Oh, geez, can’t you see

That I am still your man

You won’t, drink that tea

You’ll let me just blame Bush

Now let me just blame Bush

I gotta just blame Bush

And when you hear me, it’s so good, my voice

It’s such a feeling

That I love

I’m your choice

I’m your choice

I’m your choice

Health Care, it’s so bad

Eight years of negligence

This is no, hanging chad

I gotta just blame Bush

I gotta just blame Bush

I gotta just blame Bush

But when I orate you feel happy, inside

It’s such a feeling

You won’t see

I just lied

I just lied

I just lied

I’ve no, accountability

You see it’s not my fault

I won’t take, responsibility

I wanna just blame Bush

I wanna just blame Bush

I wanna just blame Bush

I wanna just blame Bu-u-u-u-u-u-ush

(Bush buried Paul)

Thank you and I hope I passed the audition despite getting blisters on my vocal chords!

(portions of this may include reporting from Associated Press)

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